Hold my hand and don't let go
by Milotross
Summary: Three years after Claire left Tommy was killed in the line of duty, bringing Claire back to Toronto, and Andy feeling alone and totally unloved. Enter Sam Swarek, the newest officer at 15 division who slowly becomes a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. Deals with some dark themes but rated T for now, please let me know if you think I should change this.
1. Chapter 1

A/N:

Im Just dipping my toe in the waters of fanfic, see what people think of this. I don't know how romantic it will be at first. I wan't it to be more of a friendship for a while but I think they will get together eventually. I like the idea of Sam and Oliver being young officers trying to prove themselves so I might try to explore that a bit more. This chapter and probably the next do grace over the topic of suicide, so if this is something you are uncomfortable with/ it is a trigger for you please don't read it.

If you do read it, I hope you enjoy it. Please tell me what you think, so I know whether it's worth continuing.

Disclaimer: I own a very, very pissed off cat, unfortunately though I don't own Rookie Blue. Blame any mistakes that may or may not exist on the cat, but please correct me if there are any :)

* * *

Jacob Cross had been all over the news. The teen that had been about to jump off an overpass, when a good Samaritan had stopped and regaled him with the tales of a life well lived and fed him hopes and dreams of a life worth living. Just as Jacob had turned to climb back over the railing of the bridge to safety, he had slipped and, ultimately, plunged to a now unwanted death. The passer by had been haled as a hero; the incident, a wake up call to take teen suicide more seriously. It highlighted the need to put more money into teen mental health, and to watch for the 'warning signs'. Jacob had been a "wonderful young man with a promising life ahead of him" and according to the papers, this tragic event "should be a lesson to us all about the importance of mental health and looking for the warning signs before it's too late."

However, as Andy McNally sat reading the newspaper article mourning the loss of Jacob cross, all she took from it was the promise of a way out.  
Andy was 17. It had been almost six years since Claire had packed up her maternal instincts, and with them, her bags, and walked out of Andy's life. Five years and six months, since Detective Tommy McNally had started looking at the bottle in his hand at the end of the night, with the same love and affection he had shown his daughter. Five years two months, since that look of love had turned into a look of need and Andy had learned the skill of not caring. A whole three years since Tommy McNally had been tragically killed in the line of duty, and Andy's life had been turned upside down even more than she thought was possible. Three years since Claire had smarmed her way back into Andy's life. Now social worker extraordinaire, she seemed to have time for every child in Toronto, except for her own. And now, it had been three long months since Andrea McNally's ability to _not_ care had turned into an inability _to_ care. Sitting outside a café on a bench, reading about Jacob Cross in last week's newspaper all she felt was numb. The world was black and white with big grey clouds hanging above her head, and yet Jacob's plight had bought a flash of colour dancing through her life. Glorious, colourful, hope. Hope, because finally Andy knew there was an end to it all. And unlike Jacob cross Andy was never going to change her mind.

She thought back over the last six years. They had begun with hope. Unwavering, unflinching, unmovable hope. The total belief that Tommy had been wrong, that Claire was coming back. Because at 12 years old how could Andy break her own heart and acknowledge that she hadn't been enough. That the mother who was meant to care for her no matter what, the mother who's love was meant to be unrequited, who should have been the dryer of her tears not their cause, hadn't loved Andy enough to stay. And when Andy did finally realise, and her heart broke into thousands of tiny pieces, her life began to spiral out of control. Tommy's drinking stopped being a worry and became a problem, and his fellow officers and detectives began bringing him home at early hours of the morning after finding him at various bars around the city. So when two officers turned up on the doorstep a week before her 14th birthday, she was in no way prepared for the news she was given, and as she crumbled to her knees in the doorway she realised that she now had no one. And suddenly, as though she had never left, Claire was back, and Andy began to recede into a shell. Distancing herself from reality and falling deeper and deeper into depression. And now, this morning had marked the third week that her period was late and there was no way she could pretend that was normal anymore. And she didn't know what to do anymore.

And so she had found herself in an old deserted barn on the edge of town. Looking at the pill packets in her hand, remembering the day they had been given to her.

_"Andy, look at me; I'm going to try you on something new, ok, but it might make you feel worse before you feel better. So I need you to promise me that if anything happens. If you feel even the slightest bit not ok in any way, you call me. I don't care if it's 2 am in the morning. If you need to talk, you call me. For the next week I am on call for you, no matter where I am, if you call me I will pick up ok. Just promise me that you will call."  
_

And she had called, sometimes all she would do was sit on her bed and cry into the phone, other times they would go out for afternoon tea and Andy would pretend that she was normal, that she was coping. For a few months she believed she was beginning to make a friend, a person to lean on when the going was tough. Someone to trust. But as quickly as she began to believe this, she remembered that the woman who had been her rock, was, at the end of the day, her psychiatrist and Andy was just another paying customer, and she had pulled away ("I really don't feel like I need to see you as much, I've finally started to feel like I can cope with the world") and although Dr Harper had seen this happening, she had hoped that Andy would come back to her in her own time. But Andy wasn't coping, slowly spiralling down a staircase of depression, until here she was, sitting in a dilapidated barn, an empty packet of pills in her hand and half a bottle of whisky beside as the edges of her vision began to slowly get darker and the world began to fade away. As her eyes slipped shut, she felt a jolt of fear and regret grip her heart, but it was too late.

* * *

Sam Swarek knew it was going to be a bad night when he walked into parade for the nightshift and saw a picture of a young brown eyed, brown haired girl staring back at him. Although he tried to deny it, cases like these shared an unpleasant resemblance to Sarah's story, and as much as he wanted to pretend that Sarah was the only person affected by that experience, the fluttering in his gut, and the tension in his shoulders as well as a general feeling of agitation made this hard to believe.

"Alright boys and girls" Boyko announced as he strode to the front of the room. "Settle down, settle down! Tonight our biggest priority is one Miss Andrea McNally." A rustle moved through the officers as those who had been at 15 long enough recognised the last name. Boyko cleared his throat noisily, staring down the room.  
"She wasn't at school today, normally this wouldn't be a worry, at 17 she may have just wondered off, pushed a few boundaries. However, she also didn't turn up to her scheduled psychologists appointment at 1600 today." At this statement several officers frowned, still confused as to why this was a missing persons case. Boyko picked up on this and continued, speaking slowly. Spelling out why this case was different.  
"An appointment she's kept for the last three years without fail. More concerning however, is the possibility that Miss McNally's state of mind could prove a serious risk to her own safety." Understanding washed over the room and with it sombreness. Sam felt a flash of guilt, because this wasn't going to be an assault case, and the moment he realised this he felt a load of tension fly off his shoulders.

Boyko let them have their moment of realisation before he continued.  
"Her psychologist, Dr Harper will be coming into the station within the next hour and may be able to shed some light on possible locations to search. Need I remind you that Andrea is the daughter of the late Detective McNally, one of our own. We owe it to his memory to bring his little girl home safe. Serve, Protect, and let's not have a death on our hands tonight. Assignments are on the board. And rookies." He looked pointedly at Sam and Oliver. "No heroics ok." The room erupted into chatter as Boyko walked out and Sam waited for every one else to clear out before he checked the board. He didn't have to wait long, as he was nearing the board Oliver approached him and stood rocking on the balls of his feet.

Sam smiled at his fellow rookie "You and me today Ollie?"  
"You and me brother" Sam rolled his eyes.  
"Ollie, you know that whole 'brother' thing is never going to catch on right."  
"You are my brother Sammy" Oliver smiled as he said it. "My brother in blue. I will always have your back and you'll always have mine. We _are _a family here. I just want every one to know it." Sam licked his teeth and tried not to smile.  
"You know. _Brother_" it came out in a droll sarcastic tone "One day when you're a seasoned officer you are going to have a rookie who's as overly enthusiastic as you. And then you will understand what I put up with."  
"You know _Sammy_, maybe you're right. But at least I'm not a cynical old fart." He clapped Sam on the shoulder and walked towards the door, turning as he did so "Now let's go get this girl. Forget the no heroics."

"Coffee" Sam grumbled to his retreating back. He wasn't starting the day with an overenthusiastic Oliver Shaw without at least one coffee on board.


	2. Chapter 2

AN

Hey guys, thanks so much for the reviews and follows and favourites. I'm sorry it took me so long to update this, but I'm beginning to realise that writing fanfic is hard (like so much harder than I imagined), it probably doesn't help that I'm in the middle of my final exams, but any-who, it's up now and hopefully I'll have the next one done pretty quickly as soon as my summer break starts. This is not really where I wanted this chapter to go, and I don't like it that much, but I felt like I owed you guys something at least :P  
At the moment I see there being one more chapter like this before the main story line kicks in so bare with, and hopefully things will improve.

Also WARNING: this is still quite a serious chapter, with some very serious themes (most predominantly suicide).

Also I do not have experience with what I'm writing about and my medical knowledge is limited, please let me know if I have anything drastically wrong.

* * *

By the time Sam reached the cruiser Oliver was in the drivers seat ready to go.

"Where to first Sammy?"  
"You're from the area where she lives aren't you." Oliver nodded, not quite comprehending Sam's train of thought.  
"If you wanted to get away from everything when you were a teenager, where would you go?"  
"Maybe we should go talk to her mother?"  
"Frank and Noelle are already doing that. Everyone else is in there ringing people she might have known. If we go talk to people we'll start chasing our tail. They'll let us know if they find any leads worth following."  
"But the rules ar –"  
"Screw the rule book. We can prove ourselves; show them we can do this job. You have local knowledge. We can save this girl Ollie!"  
Oliver thought this over for a minute before responding.

"Ok, we'll try the park first."

* * *

"I can't think of anywhere else. We've tried everywhere I can think of"  
"Are you sure, what about motels? If you were feeling like Boyko said she was, you'd want to be alone right, you'd probably want to be somewhere safe where no one is going to disturb you. We could take her picture to motels and hotels in the area"  
"How come you have all the good ideas?"  
As they turned the squad around and headed towards the nearest motel in the area Sam's phone began to ring.

"Shit"  
"Sammy?"  
"It's Boyko"  
Oliver grimaced.  
"Officer Swarek"  
"Swarek? Staff sergeant Boyko here, I need you two to check out a location her psychologist suggested. It's an old barn on the edge of town."

Boyko gave the address and the description.

"Sir?"  
"Yes Swarek?"

"You don't think she's there do you. We can do this, give us a location where you think she might be, somewhere worth looking. We want to save her, not chase our tails. There is a girl out there dying and you're sending us across town on a wild goose chase!"  
He knew he had overshot the line. In fact he figured that the line was now waving at him from the other side of the world. He didn't care, he was angry, and scared for a teenager he didn't even know. But he had failed to protect the most important person in his life, and, even though he could never undo that he wanted to make it up to Sarah by protecting as many people as he could.

"Swarek" Boyko's tone was forced, angry; Sam could hear the edge of warning in the word. "We have squads going to all other possible locations. Drop the heroics and get going"

Oliver turned the squad around again and they drove in silence for a few minutes.

"Did you ever meet her?"  
Sam furrowed his brow "who"?  
"McNally's kid, Andrea."  
"No, but McNally talked about her one heck of a lot, seemed like a good kid."  
"She came into the station once, looking for Tommy. Said she thought he was on duty, but we all knew she was making sure he wasn't in the cells. Sweet girl, no wonder she's depressed, she's had it rough the past few years. I can't believe it's been three years."

"I can't believe I've been here three and a half years and I'm still the new kid in town. When will we graduate to grown up status?"

"I know brother, I know. Can't they see we're responsible? We can guard the streets. Serve and protect. It's who we are now Sammy, it's all we ever do, but we're still the Rookies. You know, I know who I am now. We were born to do this job! I just wish they could see that."

"They will after today" Sam's face split into grin.

"You really should show those dimples more often Sammy, people might actually start liking you." This comment was greeted with a cynical expression and the loss of the smile. Neither of them were willing to acknowledge the worry sitting in the pit of their stomachs as they neared the location.

When Oliver stopped the car they found themselves staring up at an old rundown barn. The windows were boarded up and the big sliding door above the concrete steps had crumpled into splinters long ago.

The wooden panelling making up the building had begun to degrade, giving the building an ominous tint in the dusky evening.

The inside smelt of lanolin and sheep's wool.

"God Sammy, when was the last time you showered? I'm sure that smell is you"

Sam shot him a look but otherwise ignored the comment.

"Andrea McNally? Andrea? Hello?"

A few birds flew from the rafters unsettled by the new presence but there was no reply.

As their eyes adjusted Sam gasped.

"Ollie, this way"

He ran over to what Oliver had originally thought was a pile of old rags.

"It's her Ollie! We've found her!"

"Shit! is she even breathing?"

"I don't know, you need to call for a medic now though, look" he pointed to the empty packet of pills clutched in her left hand and the glass bottle lying beside her.

The girl's eyes were closed, and her breathing was shallow and laboured and she was making a gurgling sound as she tried to breath through the vomit in her mouth. Sam rolled her over onto her side, hoping that changing her position would allow her to breath. As he did so her eyes opened, and she looked at him, her expression full of panic and fear. Sam did the first thing that came to mind, he began stroking her hair.

"I'm Sam, ok, an ambulance is on its way, ok, you're gonna be fine."

Her breathing began to speed up, and she started coughing and spluttering.

"Shh, it's ok. I'm right here, just relax, breath in, and out, in…. out….in….out….in….out. There you go, you're doing well, just keep breathing sweetheart."

He could hear Oliver in the background talking into his radio.

"I'm going to ring poison centre, see if we can do anything while we wait."

Sam just nodded, trying to calm the panicked girl in front of him. as he watched her eyes closed again as she slipped out of consciousness again as Sam heard the distant whine of sirens. He picked up her arm, trying to find a pulse and bolt of dread shot through him. "Oliver! OLIVER there's no pulse. I can't find a pulse." Oliver looked at the girl on the floor, noticing something his friend had clearly missed. "She's fine Sammy. She's ok."

"How can you say that? There's no. fucking. pulse!" Despite the anguish in his friends voice Oliver couldn't help but laugh at the situation. He just didn't know what else to do. "Dead people don't breathe Sam." As he said this, the paramedics walked through the door with a stretcher.

"What's her name?"

"Andrea"

"Do you know what she took?"

"Oliver handed the woman the packet."

"Heavy stuff. Poor girl. And alcohol?" Sam nodded "Has she been conscious at all while you've been here?"

"She woke up when I rolled her over and she seemed pretty panicked, but that was only for about a minute."

"Any idea how long ago she took it?"  
Sam shook his head. The woman obviously had all the information she needed and she and her partner began to move Andrea onto the stretcher before moving it out to the ambulance.

"Can I come with you, an officer should probably go to the hospital with her."

Sure, you can jump in the front. Do you have the poison centre number on your phone?"

"I can do one better, Ollie, you still talking to poison centre?"

He nodded, and the paramedic held out her hand expectantly. Moving away to talk while her partner fiddled with the monitor sticking electrodes onto the young woman's chest and stomach.

There was a rushing in her ears; she was inundated with sound. bright and intruding. Her head was spinning, and she felt as though she was tumbling through space and time. Slowly the noise became bearable as she began to wake up more, and she realised there were only a few voices. She tried to sit up, but a hand was pushing her down. "Andrea, it's ok, you're in good hands, but you need to relax ok, just breathe." But she couldn't breath, there was something covering her face, she reached to push it away but her hand was stilled. "Andrea, it's just a mask, an oxygen mask, you need to leave on there. Breath with me. In….out….in….out, that's the way, good girl." She felt light headed, dizzy, but she wanted to sit up. As she did so, she felt an overwhelming wave of nausea wash over her and she leaned to the side and vomited.

She heard a female voice. "The poison centre said the low GCS is probably the alcohol at this stage, and she does seem to be coming round. I'll take her vitals, then we'll push some ondanzatron and give her some activated charcoal. I just need to get a line in and we're good to go." Andy didn't know what all this meant but it didn't sound like anything nice. The face that must have accompanied the voice appeared in front of her. "I'm Grace, I'm a paramedic, and I'm here to help you. Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Andy" the paramedic looked puzzled. "I mean, Andrea. But I don't like it. Please don't call me Andrea." She didn't know why but this made her want to cry, she just wanted it to be yesterday, for all this to be over.

"I'm sorry! I'm so, so, sorry. I just didn't know, I didn't know what to do. But it was a mistake. And I just want to go home. I want to go back to how it was. I don't know what's happening." It came out in a rush, from somewhere deep in side, and was finished off with a whispered "I don't want to die"

She could see pity in the paramedic's eyes, and she thought about the tragedy of the fact that this woman she had never met, cared more about her than her mother.

"Andy, it's ok, you're going to be ok. I just need you to drink this for me ok."

"What is it?"

"It's called activated charcoal, it'll help counteract the medication you took"

Andy nodded before beginning to drink the liquid. She had never tasted anything more disgusting in her life, but she figured she had caused enough trouble as it was.

It was then that she noticed that her hand was not alone, in fact it was being tightly held by a rather handsome young police officer who was sitting beside her looking worried.


End file.
